A life so hard, a life so tough
whenever I say this to god, he asks me to trust.
But what he fails to understand that I'm a normal being
who may not be as patient as he is but has her own follies indeed.
Who doesn't even know the significance of her being alive but craves to do something which could bring her to limelight.
Whenever she sits idle, often a thought crosses her mind. When would that moment come which would make her feel ecstatic with pride?
Often has she enjoyed herself in that reverie bur seldom has she tasted it in real.
"How does it feel to get something which one truly desires for?" she asks herself.
Listening to these words, a part of her takes her to the world of woolgathering where she fancies herself to be surrounded by her loved ones, all feeling happy for her.
She sees a smile of gaity on everone's face and believes that life could not be as good as this of today.
Suddenly a doorbell recalls her to reality and soon again a shadow of gloominess sets upon her.
She flutters like an infant bird to get back to her dream, but a voice within awakens her not to DAYDREAM.
(I'd made this attempt [to write a prose] a long time back but never thought to post it. I don't know what makes me do it today.)
Jan 23, 2010
Jan 7, 2010
A date with a stranger.
How would you define a date? Would you define it 'a social or a romantic rendezvous between two mutually compatible persons'? Or would you call it 'a simple yet special meet which just happens by chance', leave aside the different parameters such as compatibility, understanding etc. A meet in which you do not wish to speak AT ALL but wish to listen to him/her for endless hours. A meet in which neither of the partners know each other. Something similar happened to me a couple of days ago that completely left me mesmerized. I enjoyed each and every part of it. I know, may be at the end of this narration (which I’ll begin in a few seconds from now) you might say “What a crazy lass she is!” But that’s a part of ‘me’ and there is no denying that I really am. So, before starting off, let me take you to the flashback and help you picturize how it all began…..
I was at a bookstore looking for a book when my eyes fell on this guy, who was quietly seated in one corner. He’d a thin seamless layer of hair on his upper lip and some beneath his chin. His looks precisely helped me conclude that he was in his late teens. There was something strange about him. He looked as if he WANTED TO TALK. I was busy doing this reasoning stuff when a polite voice retracted me from it. “Yes Ma’am, did you find anything for yourself?” the shopkeeper inquired. I right away removed my eyes off that guy and answered the shopkeeper that I needed some more time (to look at what?). It took me a while to resume my work for which I was there, when I was again interrupted; it was him, though. “Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee?” He asked. At the first instance I could not believe he said that to me but this is what I was expecting of him, wasn’t I? To strike up a conversation; may be over a cup of coffee. “Well, I don’t know even know you. Um I mean…” “Don’t worry. It’s just a cup of coffee. Plus, I’m new to this city and have failed to get a good company so far. So I thought….” “Aaa..what time is it?” I asked. “Oh, it’s quarter to 4. I’m certain we wouldn’t take more than an hour or so, trust me.” I could not help but nod my head in consent or may be I did not want to refuse.
We went to a close-by coffee shop and in a few minutes made ourselves comfortable on our respective couches, placed right across each other. By the way, I forgot to tell you that prior to my visit to the bookstore I’d a terrible argument with my parents. And probably that was the reason I decided to go out for a stroll, in the middle of which I dropped in at that store too. So, you can well imagine I was quite low and so were my communicating skills.
So coming back to the scene at the coffee shop. I tried looking in all the different possible directions but not at him. Man, I was really nervous and my hands were all chilled and cold. I could feel his eyes on me which made me even more at unease. So I began to look at the television placed at a certain height. Everytime I've been to these coffee shops I've always found some music channel tuned on to the television. But this time some sport channel was on that I didn't have much knowledge of. So, I started concentrating more on it so as to deviate my mind and stop feeling nervous. Suddenly I heard him say to me "Would you like to have something?" H E L L O!!!!....then what have we come here for? I think for coffee, haven't we? I thought. "in eatables, I mean to say. I'm sorry." Was my inner voice that loud? Did I not say that to myself?? "Oh, it's ok. No, nothing. Thank You." He immediately ordered two cappuccinos and looked at me again. He probably understood that I would not initiate so he kicked off the conversation by telling me how he'd been expelled from his school on account of failing in most of his subjects. Now, that made me raise my eyebrows but he didn't seem to have any qualms about it. Seriously, he absolutely didn't. He was pretty normal about it and hadn't decided what he would do next. Basically, he was on his way back to home and his visit to this city was only a part of his itinerary. He told me how he had screwed up his History test by writing all about geography and modern science except for history, which i really found amusing. "Do you know what I did after that?" He asked. I answered "no" with my head movement. "I left a note at the end of my answer sheet saying that this was all i could understand from my teacher's lectures though his lectures were indeed interesting. And the teahcer shouldn't feel bad in failing me coz i was already failing in the other subjects except for English", he continued. I almost fell off my chair laughing after listening to this. He further confessed that he wouldn't dare to laugh in a public place, for instance a movie theatre, like this. When I asked him the reason he answered "Well, i've this loud and stupid laugh that If i ever sat behind myself in a movie, i would probably lean over and ask myself to shut up." Man, this was getting interesting and so was his talks.
Slowly and gradually I started finding him appealing. I mean there was something in him which would not let me take my eyes off. My eyes were fixed on him and I would listen to him with the utmost care. He was humorous, sarcarstic, romantic, confused and definately a rebel. If ever engaged in a fight, he would imagine himself doing all those heavy action stunts but would not have the balls to execute them in his real life. Though he would (very smartly) place the blame on the movies for all his imaginative fantasies. One word, which I noticed, that he often used was "phoney". He would consider every goddam person/thing on this universe 'phoney', if it failed to perform or come along the way he'd wanted. For instance, if he ran into his long lost friend who was too intelligent, he would allege him a phoney (for being superficial or acting extra smart). If he met someone who was extremely dumb, he would call him/her phoney too. At times I found him act quite young for his age but at the same time he would say something which would immediately help me call him a 'matured guy'.
I don't know, but he was a strange guy. One of his own kind and unique in his own ways. He was a flirt too and was indeed blessed with an art to charm any lady he would come across. I don't say it just because he could convince me for this evening, but on the grounds of the instances which he mentioned to me.
Time passed, our second round of coffee was over, the sky even turned dark giving me an indication that it was time for me to bid farewell. After the conversation, I felt as if I fell half in love with him just as he would feel after seeing any pretty girl. I don't know when would I meet him next but I would truly treasure the time spent with Holden. Yeah, that's what his name was Holden Claufield. I closed the novel, put it inside my bag, paid off the coffee bill and left for my home.
P.S : I've often heard people say that one truly enjoys the novel only when one starts living with its characters. Or in other words they (the characters) start devouring you so much that you begin to converse with them or may be start identifying with them. This is what I experinced this time. I cannot recall after how long a period but I really did. And as Holden would often say "What really knocks me out is a book that when you're all done reading it, you wish the author was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him whenever you felt like."
I really wish to call Salinger on his brilliant work named as "The Catcher in the Rye" :)
I was at a bookstore looking for a book when my eyes fell on this guy, who was quietly seated in one corner. He’d a thin seamless layer of hair on his upper lip and some beneath his chin. His looks precisely helped me conclude that he was in his late teens. There was something strange about him. He looked as if he WANTED TO TALK. I was busy doing this reasoning stuff when a polite voice retracted me from it. “Yes Ma’am, did you find anything for yourself?” the shopkeeper inquired. I right away removed my eyes off that guy and answered the shopkeeper that I needed some more time (to look at what?). It took me a while to resume my work for which I was there, when I was again interrupted; it was him, though. “Would you like to join me for a cup of coffee?” He asked. At the first instance I could not believe he said that to me but this is what I was expecting of him, wasn’t I? To strike up a conversation; may be over a cup of coffee. “Well, I don’t know even know you. Um I mean…” “Don’t worry. It’s just a cup of coffee. Plus, I’m new to this city and have failed to get a good company so far. So I thought….” “Aaa..what time is it?” I asked. “Oh, it’s quarter to 4. I’m certain we wouldn’t take more than an hour or so, trust me.” I could not help but nod my head in consent or may be I did not want to refuse.
We went to a close-by coffee shop and in a few minutes made ourselves comfortable on our respective couches, placed right across each other. By the way, I forgot to tell you that prior to my visit to the bookstore I’d a terrible argument with my parents. And probably that was the reason I decided to go out for a stroll, in the middle of which I dropped in at that store too. So, you can well imagine I was quite low and so were my communicating skills.
So coming back to the scene at the coffee shop. I tried looking in all the different possible directions but not at him. Man, I was really nervous and my hands were all chilled and cold. I could feel his eyes on me which made me even more at unease. So I began to look at the television placed at a certain height. Everytime I've been to these coffee shops I've always found some music channel tuned on to the television. But this time some sport channel was on that I didn't have much knowledge of. So, I started concentrating more on it so as to deviate my mind and stop feeling nervous. Suddenly I heard him say to me "Would you like to have something?" H E L L O!!!!....then what have we come here for? I think for coffee, haven't we? I thought. "in eatables, I mean to say. I'm sorry." Was my inner voice that loud? Did I not say that to myself?? "Oh, it's ok. No, nothing. Thank You." He immediately ordered two cappuccinos and looked at me again. He probably understood that I would not initiate so he kicked off the conversation by telling me how he'd been expelled from his school on account of failing in most of his subjects. Now, that made me raise my eyebrows but he didn't seem to have any qualms about it. Seriously, he absolutely didn't. He was pretty normal about it and hadn't decided what he would do next. Basically, he was on his way back to home and his visit to this city was only a part of his itinerary. He told me how he had screwed up his History test by writing all about geography and modern science except for history, which i really found amusing. "Do you know what I did after that?" He asked. I answered "no" with my head movement. "I left a note at the end of my answer sheet saying that this was all i could understand from my teacher's lectures though his lectures were indeed interesting. And the teahcer shouldn't feel bad in failing me coz i was already failing in the other subjects except for English", he continued. I almost fell off my chair laughing after listening to this. He further confessed that he wouldn't dare to laugh in a public place, for instance a movie theatre, like this. When I asked him the reason he answered "Well, i've this loud and stupid laugh that If i ever sat behind myself in a movie, i would probably lean over and ask myself to shut up." Man, this was getting interesting and so was his talks.
Slowly and gradually I started finding him appealing. I mean there was something in him which would not let me take my eyes off. My eyes were fixed on him and I would listen to him with the utmost care. He was humorous, sarcarstic, romantic, confused and definately a rebel. If ever engaged in a fight, he would imagine himself doing all those heavy action stunts but would not have the balls to execute them in his real life. Though he would (very smartly) place the blame on the movies for all his imaginative fantasies. One word, which I noticed, that he often used was "phoney". He would consider every goddam person/thing on this universe 'phoney', if it failed to perform or come along the way he'd wanted. For instance, if he ran into his long lost friend who was too intelligent, he would allege him a phoney (for being superficial or acting extra smart). If he met someone who was extremely dumb, he would call him/her phoney too. At times I found him act quite young for his age but at the same time he would say something which would immediately help me call him a 'matured guy'.
I don't know, but he was a strange guy. One of his own kind and unique in his own ways. He was a flirt too and was indeed blessed with an art to charm any lady he would come across. I don't say it just because he could convince me for this evening, but on the grounds of the instances which he mentioned to me.
Time passed, our second round of coffee was over, the sky even turned dark giving me an indication that it was time for me to bid farewell. After the conversation, I felt as if I fell half in love with him just as he would feel after seeing any pretty girl. I don't know when would I meet him next but I would truly treasure the time spent with Holden. Yeah, that's what his name was Holden Claufield. I closed the novel, put it inside my bag, paid off the coffee bill and left for my home.
P.S : I've often heard people say that one truly enjoys the novel only when one starts living with its characters. Or in other words they (the characters) start devouring you so much that you begin to converse with them or may be start identifying with them. This is what I experinced this time. I cannot recall after how long a period but I really did. And as Holden would often say "What really knocks me out is a book that when you're all done reading it, you wish the author was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him whenever you felt like."
I really wish to call Salinger on his brilliant work named as "The Catcher in the Rye" :)
Jan 1, 2010
Pent up emotions
Some decisions in life should not be regretted. They should rather be respected. True. But what if the consequences of that decision continue to haunt you ; so much so that you feel like reverting to it. You just can't help thinking about it. You try hard to get it off your mind but time and again it hits back with even a much greater force and energy.
I always knew, right from the beginnning, that I had too much to lose and too less to gain. And in that fear I began to isolate myself. I went to a phase of solitude where I was happy being myself (and I mean it), totally occupied in my work. People tagged me as anti-social for I seldom spent time with them. Never in my life had I been as busy as this much. I took life and my work very seriously. May be 'coz I had put a lot many things at stake. And now, as that phase is over, I don't see things falling into their exact places. Things are not turning out my way. My dream seems to be distant yet I'm hopeful.
So, I 'm now confused. Whether I should call this period a complete waste of time or I should try learn something from it and move on in life. It is so damn easy to say "Forget about it and try and get into something else. May be something better is aligned for you". But, what could be better than get what I actually desire? Wouldn't I know what is and what is not better for me? I, however don't blame these people either. Infact I've found myself giving such peices of advice in the past. Perhaps, I never realised the senstivity of the issue that continually pervades the mind of the sufferer. Someone's rightly said "what you don't know cannot hurt you". I know, my remarks are quite premature in nature but my intution never fails especially at a time when I'm very desperate.
Anyway, whatever is destined to happen will happen (another cliche which I detest to the core). Let me go with the flow right now but I'd definetely want to see myself turning the tide in my favour. I'm just being too hopeful. Touchwood.
I always knew, right from the beginnning, that I had too much to lose and too less to gain. And in that fear I began to isolate myself. I went to a phase of solitude where I was happy being myself (and I mean it), totally occupied in my work. People tagged me as anti-social for I seldom spent time with them. Never in my life had I been as busy as this much. I took life and my work very seriously. May be 'coz I had put a lot many things at stake. And now, as that phase is over, I don't see things falling into their exact places. Things are not turning out my way. My dream seems to be distant yet I'm hopeful.
So, I 'm now confused. Whether I should call this period a complete waste of time or I should try learn something from it and move on in life. It is so damn easy to say "Forget about it and try and get into something else. May be something better is aligned for you". But, what could be better than get what I actually desire? Wouldn't I know what is and what is not better for me? I, however don't blame these people either. Infact I've found myself giving such peices of advice in the past. Perhaps, I never realised the senstivity of the issue that continually pervades the mind of the sufferer. Someone's rightly said "what you don't know cannot hurt you". I know, my remarks are quite premature in nature but my intution never fails especially at a time when I'm very desperate.
Anyway, whatever is destined to happen will happen (another cliche which I detest to the core). Let me go with the flow right now but I'd definetely want to see myself turning the tide in my favour. I'm just being too hopeful. Touchwood.
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