Do i or do i not?

To start with, I would say i'd a nice day today. Changed my profile pic on fb, visited my cousin after a really long time, spent some good time with my two nieces and was home in the evening. Since i'd already spent enough time so immediately got back to my studies. But i think i'm losing that energy that vigour in me which i had had when i took up the work in my hand. I'm stuck to a single position and despite my hard work i'm not moving an inch ahead. I don't know what is wrong with me? Am i not working the way i should? What all should i include in my strategy to go things my way. When these questions resonate in my mind, a voice within me says..."May be, may be you don't have it in you?" "Why??? Why do i not have it in me?" I ask myself. And even if i don't, then why cannot i have it (considering the fact that i'm working toward it)? Whenever i hear these words, my ego hurts. None of the things could be so painful as this one, atleaset for me. I cry alone, listen to some loud music so as to prevent these words fall on my ears. The voice die down but not for long.

Today, I wanted to talk to someone. Someone with whom i share the same camaraderie. I wanted to let out my panic and vexation on him/her. I wanted to yell so that i could take out that negative energy. But couldn't get a single person. It has always happened with me. Nothing new about it.

So decided to post my thoughts and feelings on this blog. He(the blog) doesn't say no me, doesn't guide me but doesn't stop listening to me either. I really don't want to lose it now, not at this juncture of my life. It's not like that i want to prove something to people. It has become important for me because i want to prove it to myself, that whether i have it or not. I just hope that by the time this year ends all my fear and anxiety gradually fade away with time. I cannot live with this feeling anymore otherwise i'll really go mad.

As for now, I can do nothing but to resume my work.
Good night.